West Karana

Do you remember what life was like before Warhammer Online: The Age of Reckoning? I sure can’t. Well, sometimes it comes in little bits and pieces… a world where to do a raid or join a group, you had to talk to people, and sometimes, make friends. Brrr. We’re all pretty glad THOSE days are over! The exciting new Public Quests and Open Groups and Scenarios keep things nice and anonymous — just like watching porn in a movie theater! And that is the mastery AND mystery of Mythic’s groundbreakingly innovative new MMO that will forever change what we think of, when we think of MMOs — Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning.

The is the AGE where we will be RECKONED. And who will perform the Reckoning?

None other than the Empire’s shining light, the Warrior Priest.

Simulated Warhammer screenshot

Take your hands off the character creator. You’re not GOOD enough to be a Warrior Priest. Just go ahead and log in with your dwarf engineer or whatever and go about your business. When you join a group with a Warrior Priest in it, don’t think you’re getting any heals, ‘cuz you’re not. The whopping you take will be ATONEMENT. And you should thank him for not letting you suffer life as the insignificant worm you are.

Life for a Warrior Priest is simple. You are either a SMOTER or a SMOTEE. And you know the WP heals might as well be self only.

Okay, now you went and did it, you didn’t listen and you rolled up a Warrior Priest. Fine. If you’re gonna be one, start shouting “FOR SIGNA!” at appropriate times. Like, on a bus. In the bathroom. While stapling papers. It’s okay. “FOR SIGNA!” <staple><staple> “LET THE PURIFYING LIGHT” <staple> “CLEANSE THIS FAX” <fold>.

Sit up. Actually, stand up. Chin up in the air, 45 degrees (pi/4 radians if you’re Canadian). Eyes forward. Take your sword and start swinging it wildly, with great force. It doesn’t matter if you can’t see what you’re swinging at with your chin up like that. Friends would know to get out of the way. Enemies will either run or perish. Because you’re one bad priest, and the complete loss of peripheral vision is a small price to pay for being RIGHT. All the time.

“The enemy approaches!” whispers the forward scout. The hunting party looks to the Warrior Priest, who silently, but with great strength, shakes his head. “No enemies,” he rumbles.

“No, it’s a whole bunch of orcs and goblins and even a Dark Elf Witch!”

“You lie,” grumbles the Warrior Priest. “I think you are the enemy. I think it time you die.” The WP stands up, lifts his mighty hammer, sticks his chin up in the air at a 45 degree angle, and begins to smite the scout. Except the black-feathered arrow from a Chaos bow kills the scout first. The WP quickly kills the rest of his team to build up healing power, gets some good heals going on himself, and runs off, once again, the lone survivor.

Warrior Priests are the lone survivors of battles with disturbing frequency.

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OMG! Six issues of Straight Talk Warhammer, and you’re still here! We hope you have enjoyed this latest entry in the only Warhammer guide that dares tell the truth about life and adventure in the Lord of the World of Warhammer Online: The Age of Reckoning. Come back tomorrow, when we reveal what the Dwarf Engineers are building in that locked room they never let you into. The astonishing truth will shock you.

We’re baaaaaaaack…..!

Warhammer Online: The Age of Reckoning, brought public quests to a public quest-less world, Tomes of Knowledge to the forgetful, open groups to the friendless, and in all ways has transformed the world.

Warhammer Online has twenty unique classes or ‘careers’, and each one plays like no other class in any other MMO, proving once again that WAR’s innovative and unique game play will have every other MMO dev yelling to their computer, “Why didn’t WE have something like that!”

It’s because it took until now before someone got the idea for a robe-clad magic user who summons fire from the skies, something called, “Bright Wizard”. Now that WAR has blazed the trail (sorry), every other MMO is sure to implement something similar.

Simulated Warhammer screenshot

The Transportation Safety Authority has a special wing in Guatanamo for Bright Wizards. See, they set up in a major airport, like Chicago or Atlanta, and they get on the PA and ask Blaze McCharmander or Ash Daboominator to pick up the white courtesy phone, and then when they do, they’re like, we heard Bright Wizards couldn’t set a match on fire if it had been soaked in gasoline and gunpowder for a week and was dangling over a pool of lava. And then Cinder Blastitall will start shouting about “Gonna burn that! Burn! Boom! Hahahaha! Light ‘em up! BURN! KILL! BUUUURN!!!!!”

And that’s when they take them away.

When Bright Wizards watch Lord of the Rings, they’re cheering for the Balrog and wondering why Mount Doom didn’t get more screen time. Pompeii? Early Bright Wizard convention.

Get one of these in a strategy meeting and when the Bright Wizard raises his hand, the guy at the head of the table sighs a little inside and tries to change the subject, but the Bright is always going, “oh me me me pick me oh me me” and then the head guy says, “Okay, WHAT. And you better not just be suggesting we set the whole thing on fire.” And the Bright kinda lowers his hand and looks away, muttering, “well I didn’t want to come to Susie’s surprise birthday party ANYWAY.” And then he’s all pouty until you promise him a puppy for Christmas. And THEN he’s all like, “Ooooh! A PUPPY! I’ll hug him and love him and name him George!” And then you give him a long look until he promises not to feed the puppy anything that will make him explode.

These guys are always asking the DJ to play Disco Inferno and writing to Stephen King asking when the sequel to Firestarter is coming out. These are the guys who dream about being stuck in a burning building and wake up smiling. These are the guys who eat nothing BUT chile con carne because they heard about this heartburn thing and it sounded like a good idea to them.

Need to find a Bright Wizard? Just follow the flaming trees.

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Looking for information about Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning careers, cities, public quests, Tome of Knowledge, open groups, and how you can make concrete burn? Well, then, you’ve come to the right place! Straight Talk Warhammer is the only blog series that gives you the Straight Talk… about WARHAMMER! Online. Age of Reckoning.

40 long years ago, an intrepid Swiss scientist first discovered that aliens had come to Earth many times in our past, always guiding mankind toward sapience, civilization, and the stars. They made us who we are today, and they brought us Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning.

Only the alien intelligences that have already brought us public quests, open groups, the Tome of Knowledge and Realm vs Realm could bring us the dark wonders of the Inevitable City.

Simulated Warhammer screenshot

So, you’re a Greenskin, or a Dark Elf, or whatever those creepy little toothy things are, and some disgusting Order folk come marching up. Naturally, you want to kill them, and they you, it’s just rousing good fun.

But let’s say they get past, get into the city, start killing stuff, who’s going to stop them? The forces of darkness? Like they’re gonna lift a finger to protect some NPCs and merchants. Probably the same merchants that charged double the going price for food ’cause of the growing unrest in the area. See, the evil guys are always thinking, always scheming. They’re gonna let the Order folks waltz right in… close the doors, and then head over to the good guy city for fine dining on the hoof.

Because you know? Good is, essentially, stupid. The Destruction folks will say, well, there can be peace in our time. But you have to give US something. And the Order guys will say, like, what? And the Destruction guys will say, well, we think we want us some dwarf. And the Order guys will say, okay, go ahead, they’re really smelly. And then the Destruction guys will push the advantage, and be all like — AND we want the Witch Hunters! So how do you like THAT? And the Order guys will say, huh? Why would you want THEM? And the Destruction guys will go, well, we have all the WITCHES. Just makes sense.

And then the Order folk will stand around looking like a bunch of geese that thought Interstate 95 was the Mississippi River. Kind of dumb, and then, BAM, up comes a semi, and it turns out nobody has to have the smelly dwarfs after all.

So when you see a bunch of Order folk looking kinda dazed, standing in a circle, maybe giving each other a comforting hug, probably that was just some Destruction people having a little bit of fun.

Because good is STUPID.

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We all really appreciate you coming by for our third exclusive feature on Mythic’s newest MMO, Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning. Remember: Mythic is going to beat the pants off of Blizzard, because while the folks in Irvine may have “World of Warcraft”, Electronic Arts has Ultima Online, and guess which one the terrorists are using to train?

Hey, welcome back to the second in our exclusive series about the exciting innovative gameplay of Mythic’s Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning.

Public quests, open groups, the excitement of the Tome of Knowledge, all things never seen before the evil geniuses at Mythic brewed them up in charmed cauldrons on some fog-shrouded Scottish moor, with the witch-goddess Hecate shrieking over it.

It’s a well-known fact that the color red in the game packaging is made from blood.

It’s true. Look it up. Because that’s just how hardcore they are. They do it for YOU.

Simulated Warhammer screenshot

What IS Realm vs Realm and how is it different from PvP?

How about seventeen factions, any of which would happily crush the throats of the others? You can only trust your own kind. Maybe. That’s war everywhere. That’s Warhammer… the miniatures game. Oops. Wrong one.

Well, imagine FOUR factions, at each other’s throats. In their own lands they are only somewhat safe, but step outside or into a contested zone and BAM! Constantly shifting alliances, places you just can’t go and… oh wait, that was EverQuest. Evil vs Humans vs Elves vs Shorties.

Okay, but with four factions you get stalemate, so that’s pretty boring. Three factions, though — the two weaker against the strong one so nobody can ever rest at the top, never able to rest, that’s… oh, never mind. That’s Dark Age of Camelot — or Planetside.

Well, how about two sides? Good vs Evil? Horde vs Alliance? That’s the Realm vs Realm difference. That’s why it’s not simply “Player vs Player”. That’s what you can only find in Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning. Along with public quests, the Tome of Knowledge, and open groups, the fight of good vs evil, free people vs the minions of Mordor, it’s your realm against the other realm.

And the stakes are incredibly high. Everything you do moves the battle to one side or another. And when you finally have done enough to tip the balance forever to your side — that’s when the whole thing resets because it’s WAR FOREVER! WAAAAAGH!!!!

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Thanks for stopping by for our second exclusive look at Mythic’s Warhammer Online: The Age of Reckoning. No game has ever done PvP, er, RvR, in quite the same way. Not exactly.

Warhammer Online. Warhammer. WAR. WAAAAGH. All ways to describe the game sweeping our interwebs in ways Google can easily find. More? Public quests? This game has public quests. Tome of Knowledge? This is the ONLY GAME with a Tome of Knowledge. World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King, coming this November, does not have public quests OR a Tome of Knowledge. Order. Destruction. War everywhere becomes WAR everywhere.

Public quests and the Tome of Knowledge and Order and Destruction and Realm vs Realm — things every game, such as Blizzard’s World of Warcraft, and its upcoming Wrath of the Lich King expansion, will soon have in abundance. Soon, EA Mythic’s Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning will no longer be able to call public quests, and the Tome of Knowledge, something exclusive only to WAR.

But we come here tonight not to talk about such things as public quests and the Tome of Knowledge, things exclusive to Warhammer Online, but about things you won’t find on many other blogs. Like information about the White Lion profession, a profession you won’t find in World of Warcraft, or Lord of the Rings Online’s Mines of Moria expansion, or in Star Wars: Galaxies’ Hoth expansion.

Well, maybe there. But Hoth won’t have Greenskins. WAAAAAGH! So that will be another thing not found in other games, except for World of Warcraft.

Simulated Warhammer Online screenshot.

Well, the White Lions are high elves, and they are so incredibly ferocious, that they hunt with white lions, and wear white lion clothes, and probably sleep with the damn things, I don’t know. Actually, let’s just get some things about them out in the open.

These are bad muthas. I mean it. The other high elves, they don’t want to be around White Lions that much. Because there’s this imaginary line, and the other high elves are on THIS side of it, and the White Lions are so far on the OTHER side of it, that they don’t even know there IS a line. While the other High Elves are sipping blood wine from crystal goblets in their high marble towers, the White Lion guys are running howling naked through the forest.

These are scary guys.

When a high elf kid says, “Ma, they had a White Lion guy come by Elf School and I kinda liked what he had to say,” there is no discussion. High Elf law is really clear on this. Once your kid starts talking about the White Lions, you have to drop them off at a big bin in front of the White Lion union hall, and some guy in a parka comes by and collects them each night just after sundown, and then if you ever see your kid again, you won’t recognize him. ‘Cause they’ll have that scary, wild look in their eyes, and you might want to say, “Honey? Is that you?” but you don’t, because you don’t want your throat ripped out by your own demon spawn.

Thinking about becoming a White Lion? Say hello to your girlfriend.

In battle, everyone just kinda backs away from the White Lion, and nobody dares look into his eye, because that will be the first one they come for. But while the White Lion is feeding on your buddy, that’s your chance to circle around back and take him down with a swift stroke. But save one for his lion girlfriend.

We hope you have enjoyed this exclusive peak at one of Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning’s most exciting new classes, and that you’ll come back every day this week for more exclusive coverage of EA Mythic’s groundbreakingly innovative new MMO sensation.

Stout Henry walked with a quick step toward Cotsberry Market, leading a beautiful brown mare. He looked up at the morning sun, adjusted his broad brimmed hat, flipped back the corners of his tattered cloak with the hand-stitched emblem of a wolf howling at the moon adorning the back, and took a sip from the water skin slung at his hip.

Before long, he caught up with an old woman pushing a cart full of apples. “Hail, apple merchant!” called Stout Henry cheerily, “Tis a beautiful day, is it not?”. The old woman looked back over her shoulder. “Hmmph. Be a darn sight better day if’n your horse could pull this cart to market.”

“Oh ho, no, no can do, grannie. A horse like this one costs at least six thousand gold coins. She is far too nice to pull a cart.”

“Six thousand coins, you say?” croaked the woman. “One gold coin would buy a dozen like her. Why, I doubt there are a hundred gold coins in all of Farthingham. You’re putting me on, you are.”

“Well, that is what I’m going to sell her for at yon market. She’s a good one, she is. I was lucky to find her in the Duke’s stables.”

“The Duke, you say? If I were you, boy, I’d get on that horse and ride as fast as I could. You best be well away from here before he comes looking.”

“Oh, no. I’m only twenty-five. Have to be thirty to ride, you know. I say, though, you ARE planning on selling those apples at market?”

“What kind of idiot question is that?”

“Well, then, I have some things I need to sell to you.” Stout Henry unswung his pack and set it on the ground. “There’s these brass candle sticks I got from the chapel up the way, I’ll sell them to you for a dozen gold coins each. Here’s a shiny pebble I found on the ground, I think it may be magic, perhaps you could use it for jewelcrafting. I found a squirrel dead on the road where a cart had crushed it, so I have some squirrel eyes and a really nice squirrel tail for you. What say, a hundred gold coins for everything?”

“You’re mad,” she muttered, and went on her way. “You don’t see pebbles like this one every day!” he called.

She continued to ignore him as he passed her by. Soon, he topped a hill and saw the brightly colored tents and pavilions of the Cotsberry Market spread below him. He marched into the middle, horse in tow, and yelled at the top of his voice, “[Duke Ferd's Parade Mare] 4 SALE. HAS 4 LEGS, TAIL, TEETH, CAN BE TURNED IN FOR Find the Duke’s Stolen Horse QUEST OR SPLIT INTO PARTS. 6000 GOLD OBO. PST.”

“What the hell does OBOE PISSED mean?” asked a young cloth seller from the door to her tent. Her raven hair was tied back in a knot

“It means, babe,” said Stout Henry, leering, “that I’d like to imagine you with your clothes off. What say you and me… pretend to undress each other.”

“Hah,” she laughed, smirking. “The only thing you’re gonna lose is your head. That’s Duke Ferd coming up the road with his elite guard, or I’m blind. He’ll be wanting his horse back, I think.”

Stout Henry stood staring at the plume of dust raised by the galloping horses. “LFG Duke Ferd’s Revenge! PST!!!!!”

“Loofug? Pissed? That’s Ferd, but he is most definitely pissed.”

This is a story about Stout Henry, an average citizen of an average land, doing the average things one might do, in a land far away.

“Forsooth!” cried Stout Henry from his reading chair, as the morning sun’s bright beams seeped around the edges of the dark oilcloth that covered the window. “I have wasted my last candle on this tale!” Stout Henry hurled the badly penned tome, with its thin parchment color, to the ground. “And now I must be about my morning tasks, with no benefit of the double experience a feather bed might grant. Well, I be off!”

Stout Henry tied his tattered wooden cloak around his neck, and picked up his carved staff. Shading his eyes against the light, he stepped out of his small cottage.

No sooner had he done so, than a beagle, its tongue out and lolling, rushed up to him with a joyful bark!

“Back, foul vermin!”, he cried, as he stove the puppy’s head in with his carved staff.

Farmer Jonas ran up, anger and shock twisting his normally placid face. “What have you done to Poochie!” he screamed.

Stout Henry pulled a small book from his tunic and quickly flipped the pages. “Farmer Jonas, I do apologize. I have been tasked with killing three large dogs by a wandering guardsman I met upon the road yesterday. Poor Poochie wasn’t quite large enough to satisfy him. But if you would just step back a pace or three, I’ll have her fangs for the witch over in Cotsberry and her two front feet for the gnome by the mill who is tryin’ to build a machine to stop time.”

Farmer Jonas knelt by his dear, dead puppy. “P-p-p-poochieeeee!!!!”

“Heh, yeah, apparently he needs a ‘paws’ button. I didn’t quite understand it myself. Well, off I go. You wouldn’t happen to have any larger dogs back at your farm, would you?”

Making a mental note to stop by the farm later, Stout Henry left Farmer Jonas and the corpse of the farmer’s best friend behind as he wandered over to Cotsberry to deliver the dog fangs to the town witch. Along the way he passed a chapel, from which arose a joyful singing. Stout Henry checked his book, then sneaked in through the sacristy and broke the pastor’s legs with one swipe of his staff.

“No hard feelings, Father,” said Stout Henry. “But I can’t have you healing the congregation while I train my fighting skills!”

“But… they’re peasants!” gasped the pastor. “Why would you ever want to fight them?”

“Well,” admitted Stout Henry, “they aren’t the best. I mean, I would definitely like to be killing dragons, but I’ve been living here twenty-five years now, and I’ve seen precious few dragons, but you can’t hardly swing a stick without staving in the head of a peasant, so which do you think ‘twould be best to level up on? I mean, if you were me.”

Stout Henry strode into the nave, where the congregation, expecting their pastor but instead finding this poorly dressed man with a bloody staff in his hand, wearing a woolen cloak decorated with a poorly stitched picture of a wolf howling at a crescent moon, fell silent. Stout Henry weighed the brass bowls and candlesticks in his hands and tried to guess how much the merchant might buy them for.

“These are a rather poor kind of brass,” said Stout Henry, disappointment plain in his voice. “Well, I hope you lot have brought better coin in your pockets. Come now, who’s first, then?” He hefted his staff and set his feet apart in a fighting stance; the congregation screamed and run from the chapel. Stout Henry sighed. “Runners. Might have known. No fight in them at all.”

He unfolded a bag from his belt and filled it with everything from the altar that would fit, then went among the pews to see if anything had been left behind. Nothing.

“This is turning out to be a very dull day. A dull day indeed,” muttered Stout Henry.