Straight Talk Warhammer: The Witch Hunter

Tipa — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:05:23 +0000

Was your life as devastated as ours when one, two, and then three days went by without a Straight Talk Warhammer? Did you feel feverish, slipping in and out of consciousness, and have long and repetitive arguments with yourself about whether or not Sokka from The Last Airbender was inspired by Xander Harris from Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Friends, we know exactly how you feel. But from those pits of despair and dreams we have wrangled news of one of the most excitingly original careers ever conceived of by a game which has already proven time and time again that a war between orcs and humans was too good an idea not to copy, the Witch Hunter.

Simulated Warhammer screenshot.

The problem with being a Witch Hunter is, not enough Witches to go around. Like, you come to a village, and you see normal people going about their normal jobs. How can you tell which are witches?

Luckily, there’s an easy test. Have your minions line up the villagers and send them into Witch Hunter Central one at a time, and see if they match any of these tell-tale witch signs in our handy “Description-Prescription” table.

Description	Prescription
Taller than you? Only witches dare stand taller than a witch hunter.	Burn them.
Red-headed? Red hair is the sign of the devil.	Burn them.
Walks with a limp? Physical imperfection is a sign of corruption.	Burn them.
Claims not to be a witch? Witches will always deny their true nature.	Burn them.
A child? Children are willing vessels of evil.	Burn them.
Your mother? Just the kind of trick a servant of destruction would likely pull.	Hug, then burn them.

Simple truth is, a good witch hunter can’t be really effective against the minions of darkness if there’s any sign of taint in their so-called allies. I mean, how sure can you be that you yourself are not a witch?

Witch hunters always place themselves behind the allied lines, so they can keep a sharp eye both on their friends AND their enemies. Because witch hunters have no friends. They can’t afford them. They have seen too many friends willingly and with great intensity shrug off the illusion of Order to reveal the demon hiding beneath after it was shown to them that their homes, wives, children and fields were unholy.

It doesn’t matter who you are, really. The Witch Hunter has looked into your soul with his steely, unforgiving eyes, and what he sees disgusts him. Prepare to burn.

—

There’s only one blog that will wade through the scourges of fire and fever to bring the Straight Talk about Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning, and that’s this one. You won’t find this on any Tome of Knowledge… is not given as a reward in a Public Quest… but dammit, it should be. Tune in tomorrow for another exciting edition of Straight Talk Warhammer, where we discuss that bane of pressed clothing, the Ironbreaker.

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Straight Talk Warhammer: The Witch Hunter