You love you some Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning, but the game isn’t addicting enough. There should be some way of making your time away from the game an interminable hell. If only… if only there was a career that could give you such a high that when you came down, all you could think about would be your next fix — and the next after that.

Meet the best friend you will ever have in the game, the one whose number is #1 speed dial on your cell phone, the one who always has what you need — the Runepriest.

Simulated Warhammer screenshot.

There’s nothing subtle about the Runepriest. You’ll see him in the dark shadows of every battlefield, surrounded by his Witch Elf honeys, dispensing the runes. You know you want that health rune, dontcha? Yeah you do. You feel uber with that health rune. And that strength rune, man, that fuggin’ turns you into a Public Quest pretty much. Dude just got in some Runes from the Empire, them are Elf runes, and they’ll totally mess you up.

But watch out for those protection runes. Yeah, they totally give you a high so high you can see the next chapter without even looking up. But you have to keep paying the Runepriest, or he’ll take your protection away, and then you better be watching out for your wheels and your women, ‘cuz without the Runepriest protection, they is up for grabs.

What? You want to be a Runepriest? Well, let me cut you in on a little secret: It’s all about the connections. Because the other Runepriests don’t want your dwarf wannabe ass taking a slice of the rune pie. And no way you can make it out there alone. What you have to do is make some friends with the local law. You can give them some gold, and they’ll stay bought until it’s gone, but lay some runes on them and you have friends you can count on.

And then you can be all like, yeah, I have some protection runes, local stuff, good stuff, but I just made some really wild stuff, real rare, and to be honest, I don’t think you can handle it. And they’re all, yeah, I can handle it. I can take whatever you got. And you say, this is gonna cost you, I can’t be making these things every day, you can’t even afford it. Lemme just bag you up a dime bag of the regular runes. And they’re like, dude, I ranked #1 on five PQs last night, show me what you got. And you’re like well, okay, if you think you can handle them, but I better not see your saggy human ass banging on my door in the middle of the night unless you got some shinies in your backpack to pay. Cuz I got plenty of strung out junkies like your own self being my doormat ALREADY.

And they’re all, hey, dude, I’m not like that. Here’s the swag, now gimme the bag.

Yeah. We’re talking repeat business. We’re talking logging in, and seeing guild chat light up with people wanting your runes.

Damn, it feels good to be a Runepriest.

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Strung out and hung over waiting for the next edition of Straight Talk Warhammer? Don’t be! Read about the secret details of every Warhammer career every weekday. This is the only place you can get the straight dope that Mythic won’t tell you. The only place that dares tell the truth about Warhammer: Age of Reckoning.

Ever since Blizzard created the MMORPG genre with World of Warcraft, generations of people wondered if the genre they invented would end with that game — it was just so good, such a shining gem of perfection, that to add or subtract any one thing to that game would just mar its sublime beauty.

And then Mythic dreamed of a new game, one as polished as WoW, but with things WoW had never imagined, like two sides forever at war — at WAR! — and battlegrounds where the two mortal enemies could meet in order to take on well-defined challenges for points. The name of this paragon of innovation?

None other than Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning. That’s WO:AoR, which is kind of like how a ghost would say “war”. And there’s no WAR class better at turning people to ghosts than WAR’s own little mad bomber, the Dwarf Engineer.

Simulated Warhammer screenshot.

A dwarf engineer walks casually out of a post office, schoolhouse, shopping center, whatever. He scratches a match to fiery life on the back of his knuckle, lights a cigar, and — BOOM! — terrified screams are brought to a sudden end as the entire building goes up in flames. He takes a deep drag from the cigar, smiles, and walks slowly away.

Because Engineers don’t kill people one at a time. An Engineer isn’t happy unless he is killing people by the dozens. An Engineer isn’t happy unless he’s destroyed the peace and happiness of an entire nation.

Try and turn away all dwarfs at the border, and they protest and call it ‘profiling’ and tie up the international courts for MONTHS. The is why you must fight dwarfs THERE so you don’t have to fight them HERE. Take the fight to them. That’s the only way to kill an Engineer. Hit them where they live, hit them fast, and hit them hard.

And you don’t even want to KNOW what an Engineer can do with an eight ounce bottle of Listerene. Three ounce bottles of Listerene are okay, though. They can’t do anything with those.

Dwarfs are really pretty skinny — not many people know that they are wiry little guys and gals. Why do they look so round?

Reloads. A Dwarf Engineer was once apprehended by the virtuous agents of Chaos and found to be carrying three shot guns (one with a sawed-off barrel), ten grenades, enough plastic explosive to level a city, three bandoliers with two hundred shells each, a dozen detonators, two rolls of duct tape and a hundred meter spool of copper wire.

They would have had more, but they’d just been running down to the corner store for matches.

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Holy smokes! We’ve come to the end of another edition of Straight Talk Warhammer! Come back tomorrow, same time, same place, when we discuss the Dwarf Engineer’s less psychotic cousin, the Rune Priest. Remember, if it’s Warhammer, and it’s Online, there’s only one place to get the Straight Talk about it.

Do you remember what life was like before Warhammer Online: The Age of Reckoning? I sure can’t. Well, sometimes it comes in little bits and pieces… a world where to do a raid or join a group, you had to talk to people, and sometimes, make friends. Brrr. We’re all pretty glad THOSE days are over! The exciting new Public Quests and Open Groups and Scenarios keep things nice and anonymous — just like watching porn in a movie theater! And that is the mastery AND mystery of Mythic’s groundbreakingly innovative new MMO that will forever change what we think of, when we think of MMOs — Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning.

The is the AGE where we will be RECKONED. And who will perform the Reckoning?

None other than the Empire’s shining light, the Warrior Priest.

Simulated Warhammer screenshot

Take your hands off the character creator. You’re not GOOD enough to be a Warrior Priest. Just go ahead and log in with your dwarf engineer or whatever and go about your business. When you join a group with a Warrior Priest in it, don’t think you’re getting any heals, ‘cuz you’re not. The whopping you take will be ATONEMENT. And you should thank him for not letting you suffer life as the insignificant worm you are.

Life for a Warrior Priest is simple. You are either a SMOTER or a SMOTEE. And you know the WP heals might as well be self only.

Okay, now you went and did it, you didn’t listen and you rolled up a Warrior Priest. Fine. If you’re gonna be one, start shouting “FOR SIGNA!” at appropriate times. Like, on a bus. In the bathroom. While stapling papers. It’s okay. “FOR SIGNA!” <staple><staple> “LET THE PURIFYING LIGHT” <staple> “CLEANSE THIS FAX” <fold>.

Sit up. Actually, stand up. Chin up in the air, 45 degrees (pi/4 radians if you’re Canadian). Eyes forward. Take your sword and start swinging it wildly, with great force. It doesn’t matter if you can’t see what you’re swinging at with your chin up like that. Friends would know to get out of the way. Enemies will either run or perish. Because you’re one bad priest, and the complete loss of peripheral vision is a small price to pay for being RIGHT. All the time.

“The enemy approaches!” whispers the forward scout. The hunting party looks to the Warrior Priest, who silently, but with great strength, shakes his head. “No enemies,” he rumbles.

“No, it’s a whole bunch of orcs and goblins and even a Dark Elf Witch!”

“You lie,” grumbles the Warrior Priest. “I think you are the enemy. I think it time you die.” The WP stands up, lifts his mighty hammer, sticks his chin up in the air at a 45 degree angle, and begins to smite the scout. Except the black-feathered arrow from a Chaos bow kills the scout first. The WP quickly kills the rest of his team to build up healing power, gets some good heals going on himself, and runs off, once again, the lone survivor.

Warrior Priests are the lone survivors of battles with disturbing frequency.

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OMG! Six issues of Straight Talk Warhammer, and you’re still here! We hope you have enjoyed this latest entry in the only Warhammer guide that dares tell the truth about life and adventure in the Lord of the World of Warhammer Online: The Age of Reckoning. Come back tomorrow, when we reveal what the Dwarf Engineers are building in that locked room they never let you into. The astonishing truth will shock you.

We’re baaaaaaaack…..!

Warhammer Online: The Age of Reckoning, brought public quests to a public quest-less world, Tomes of Knowledge to the forgetful, open groups to the friendless, and in all ways has transformed the world.

Warhammer Online has twenty unique classes or ‘careers’, and each one plays like no other class in any other MMO, proving once again that WAR’s innovative and unique game play will have every other MMO dev yelling to their computer, “Why didn’t WE have something like that!”

It’s because it took until now before someone got the idea for a robe-clad magic user who summons fire from the skies, something called, “Bright Wizard”. Now that WAR has blazed the trail (sorry), every other MMO is sure to implement something similar.

Simulated Warhammer screenshot

The Transportation Safety Authority has a special wing in Guatanamo for Bright Wizards. See, they set up in a major airport, like Chicago or Atlanta, and they get on the PA and ask Blaze McCharmander or Ash Daboominator to pick up the white courtesy phone, and then when they do, they’re like, we heard Bright Wizards couldn’t set a match on fire if it had been soaked in gasoline and gunpowder for a week and was dangling over a pool of lava. And then Cinder Blastitall will start shouting about “Gonna burn that! Burn! Boom! Hahahaha! Light ‘em up! BURN! KILL! BUUUURN!!!!!”

And that’s when they take them away.

When Bright Wizards watch Lord of the Rings, they’re cheering for the Balrog and wondering why Mount Doom didn’t get more screen time. Pompeii? Early Bright Wizard convention.

Get one of these in a strategy meeting and when the Bright Wizard raises his hand, the guy at the head of the table sighs a little inside and tries to change the subject, but the Bright is always going, “oh me me me pick me oh me me” and then the head guy says, “Okay, WHAT. And you better not just be suggesting we set the whole thing on fire.” And the Bright kinda lowers his hand and looks away, muttering, “well I didn’t want to come to Susie’s surprise birthday party ANYWAY.” And then he’s all pouty until you promise him a puppy for Christmas. And THEN he’s all like, “Ooooh! A PUPPY! I’ll hug him and love him and name him George!” And then you give him a long look until he promises not to feed the puppy anything that will make him explode.

These guys are always asking the DJ to play Disco Inferno and writing to Stephen King asking when the sequel to Firestarter is coming out. These are the guys who dream about being stuck in a burning building and wake up smiling. These are the guys who eat nothing BUT chile con carne because they heard about this heartburn thing and it sounded like a good idea to them.

Need to find a Bright Wizard? Just follow the flaming trees.

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Looking for information about Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning careers, cities, public quests, Tome of Knowledge, open groups, and how you can make concrete burn? Well, then, you’ve come to the right place! Straight Talk Warhammer is the only blog series that gives you the Straight Talk… about WARHAMMER! Online. Age of Reckoning.