I admit it, life before Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning was fairly bland and meaningless. My life before I became consumed by WHOOOOAAAAA was just a shadow — a shadow OF a shadow, really. Before Public Quests, how could I really do a quest? Before the Tome of Knowledge, how would I know what to do? Before Open Groups, how would I ever find a group? MMOs before WAR were mostly people just standing around, without direction, without anything to do.

WAR changed that, and changed it forever. Changed it to death. From now on, no other MMO developer will ever dare confuse players by not telling them exactly what to do and when. But really, when you already have WAR Everywhere, what do you even need other MMOs for?

It’s time for all those other game companies to really examine their lives, to just sit back and wonder why they are even in this crazy business when the one game to rule them all has already been written? They should all roll up those masters of high elven magics, those twisted sisters of arcane allegiance, the Archmage, and go WAAAAAAAAA on someone.

Simulated Warhammer screenshot.

Your basic Archmage is always doing the wrong thing. When its just trash mobs everywhere, the Archmage is making them light up like fireworks at Christmas. When the boss is up and the Bright Wizards are all lighting up the bad guy, doing their part, the Archmage is looking for people to heal.

“We’re BURNING here, Ossandra-the-Amazing!”

“Wait, Lego Lass has a nasty scratch, be right with you!”

*Crunch*Crunch* boss picks Lego Lass up in one meaty hand and bites off her head. Ossandra brightens up. “See?!”

The Bright Wizards laugh and nuke the boss dead while Ossandra gathers her magic for a huge blast — finally. “Um, where’d he go?”

Archmages are famous for fighting the wrong mob at the wrong time. They bring dobermans to cat shows. They drive in the carpool lane without anyone else in the car. They show up to birthday parties a day early and send the present a month later.

Playing an Archmage? Here’s a news flash. Nobody wants your cruddy heals. Just toss a few around to build up the power for the nukes you were hired for and try to ignore the Bright Wizards doubling over in laughter. Your guild leader has a clue in the guild bank just for wild cannons like yourself. Go get it.

Gandalf would have looked damned silly trying to get some quick heals off on Samwise so he could fight the Balrog.

Get over yourself. Archmage is the high elf word for ‘hopelessly confused’.

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Wow, has this really been three weeks of Straight Talk Warhammer? Very nearly! Three weeks since all our lives were changed forever. This is also the last Straight Talk Warhammer — for now, anyway. I’ve enjoyed doing them very much, and they’ve made me want to pick up the game and give it a try. But there are other games out there that need a pin in their balloons, and satirizing every class in Warhammer just to do it is definitely taking a good joke past the point where it’s amusing. Starting next week, Stout Henry will be back with his twisted take on MMO combat with ‘Stout Henry Goes to War”.

For those few of you who stuck with STW this long, thanks :) Your laughter and comments made this worthwhile!

There’s just so much to say about Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning that people don’t even talk about. I’m don’t mean innovations like Public Quests or the Tome of Knowledge or Open Groups or stuff like that, but stuff that really makes you sit down and go, “damn, why hasn’t any other game ever done this?” It’s that “I coulda had a V-8″ forehead slap moment.

I’d have liked to have been in that meeting where some nebbiish dev looked up from his books and said, in a quavering voice that would change the direction of the game forever, “why don’t we have DWARFS in our game?”.

The sound of helicopters… the tragedy of bunnies… Every person’s mind was immediately gripped by the tale of the dwarf Alderich, who forged a magic ring deep within a volcano’s maw, a single ring that would rule the entire world.

“Nobody has EVER done THAT,” agreed everyone else. “Nobody’s gonna figure out that we stole the idea from an OPERA!” And thus, the race of dwarfs was born, and among them, that stalwart example of dwarf obstinacy, the Ironbreaker.

Simulated Warhammer screenshot.

Standing four foot high on tippy-toes and waving their stubby little arms above their heads, you’d be forgiven for thinking the best way to deal with an Ironbreaker is by treating them like your annoying kid brother, who wants the toy YOU have, that you keep tossing back and forth with your sister on the other side of the room.

“Mine! MINE! I WANT MINE!!!” screams the Ironbreaker, his face going all red and cute, but he just can’t get the toy, can he? Can he? Here it is! Whoops! Over to Sis! Awwww.

Ironbreakers are the whiny little brothers of Warhammer, forever running around, hoping people will hit them so they can run and tell Mother. “MOTHER!!!!” cries little I.B., “He HIT me! And then SHE hit me! And then all these OTHER people hit me! MAKE THEM STOP!!!” and Mother comes out, looking like she wants to hit the little urchin, too.

Wait. YOU’RE an Ironbreaker? Sorry, I didn’t see you right away, crouching there behind the rock. Oh? Well, standing behind. Oh? OKAY. Standing on TOP of the rock, waving your hands. Well, so you’re an Ironbreaker, are ya?

Well, your job is to stand places. Yup. That’s it. Stand over here, stand over there, and be all whiny so people will hit you. You want to be hit. You CRAVE being hit. You want people to give you a real BEATING. To walk over to where you are, standing still, and then HIT you.

Yeah. You like being hit. Every bruise is a badge for you. You live for the moment when Mother walks up and you can say, “SEE what they did!? And I didn’t cry, not once!”

You’re one whiny, sick, Oedipal bastard.

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Wondering what your Warhammer career says about your personality? You won’t find that hot info anywhere else than here at Straight Talk Warhammer, where we know you better than you know yourself.

Was your life as devastated as ours when one, two, and then three days went by without a Straight Talk Warhammer? Did you feel feverish, slipping in and out of consciousness, and have long and repetitive arguments with yourself about whether or not Sokka from The Last Airbender was inspired by Xander Harris from Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Friends, we know exactly how you feel. But from those pits of despair and dreams we have wrangled news of one of the most excitingly original careers ever conceived of by a game which has already proven time and time again that a war between orcs and humans was too good an idea not to copy, the Witch Hunter.

Simulated Warhammer screenshot.

The problem with being a Witch Hunter is, not enough Witches to go around. Like, you come to a village, and you see normal people going about their normal jobs. How can you tell which are witches?

Luckily, there’s an easy test. Have your minions line up the villagers and send them into Witch Hunter Central one at a time, and see if they match any of these tell-tale witch signs in our handy “Description-Prescription” table.

Simple truth is, a good witch hunter can’t be really effective against the minions of darkness if there’s any sign of taint in their so-called allies. I mean, how sure can you be that you yourself are not a witch?

Witch hunters always place themselves behind the allied lines, so they can keep a sharp eye both on their friends AND their enemies. Because witch hunters have no friends. They can’t afford them. They have seen too many friends willingly and with great intensity shrug off the illusion of Order to reveal the demon hiding beneath after it was shown to them that their homes, wives, children and fields were unholy.

It doesn’t matter who you are, really. The Witch Hunter has looked into your soul with his steely, unforgiving eyes, and what he sees disgusts him. Prepare to burn.

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There’s only one blog that will wade through the scourges of fire and fever to bring the Straight Talk about Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning, and that’s this one. You won’t find this on any Tome of Knowledge… is not given as a reward in a Public Quest… but dammit, it should be. Tune in tomorrow for another exciting edition of Straight Talk Warhammer, where we discuss that bane of pressed clothing, the Ironbreaker.

Due to being sick, I don’t have a Straight Talk Warhammer today. Look for all the facts you never knew about the Witch Hunter, Monday.

Have a good weekend :)