EQ2: British Edition

On the news that the new Prime Minister of Britain, Gordon Brown, would like to see knives removed from videogames, SOE today announced some small changes to its flagship fantasy MMO, EverQuest 2, which has previously showcased knives of various sizes and functions.

The three main categories of actions in EQ2 can be broadly categorized as melee attacks, spell attacks, and healing. These will now be replaced Harsh Words, Stares and Hugs, respectively.

For instance, future battles might go like this…

A lone druid is passing by a belligerent orc. The orc takes offense, and initiates combat by giving the druid a Menacing Glare. The druid, responding, might give herself a Slow Hug, and follow that up with a Minor Fudge Word: Fiddlesticks.

This orc isn’t an ordinary orc, though — it is an orc SHAMAN, like William Shatner, a Canadian. It quickly throws a Grimace, and summons an Aura of Happiness around itself.

The druid feels she can still win this. She closes to Harsh Language range, and infuriates the orc with a Yo Mama, Adept 3, gives herself a Quick Hug, and lashes out with an AA ability, Mean Look.

This is too much for the orc to bear, so he withdraws, and later sends a note of apology.

SOE is committed to making quality games for gamers of every sensibility. Soon to be announced: EverQuest 2: PETA Edition.

Nationality corrected. I am an idiot.

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6 thoughts on “EQ2: British Edition”

  1. Your satires are always some of my favorite blog posts. Spot on, as usual.

    It sounds like they might want to also remove sharp words as well though. Your proposal doesn’t go far enough to save the children.

  2. ROFL! Nice one. Although for the true Brit experience, don’t forget Advanced Tutting and Heavy Sarcasm offensive spells, backed up by Unfounded Moral Sensibility buffs and Aloof Disdain debuffs.

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