Asperger's

I’m not really surprised that I scored well into the danger zone of this test for Asperger’s syndrome, a light form of autism. Given I spent all my childhood without a clue about what other people were thinking or doing, confused, unable to do anything in a social setting until I knew what the routine was, and always doubting and mistrusting other’s motives, I expected it. In fact, I’ve self-diagnosed myself with Asperger’s for a few years, ever since I realized I was exhausting myself by trying to find the best cribbage hands in car license plates whenever I drove.

Being around people terrifies me; I immediately fall into the same confused haze that characterized my school years. And the longer I am around people, the more certain I am that they hate me and want to do me harm. This caused problems one memorable meeting when I worked in Symantec, when I convinced myself that every other person there was blaming me for every single thing wrong with the project – I had to leave and go home. I couldn’t take it anymore. I just stood up and left.

Even today, at my current job. There are at least three people here I am certain hate me and want me to be fired. And that scares me, it really does. I know intellectually that they probably could care less about me, but that does nothing for how I feel. It is REALLY hard to hold a job for long when you feel everyone there is party to some secret knowledge you don’t share. I have never worked for a company longer than four years. By then, I am convinced everyone wants me to go away. The psychic pressure is unendurable.

Games provide a safer harbor, but even there, it creeps up.

I like being alone in my apartment. With the kids living with me, and especially when my friend Teresa was staying with us, I felt more and more confined; I couldn’t enter the parts of the apartment that were under someone else’s influence. And so by the end (before I found this job), I could barely even leave my bedroom. I felt like I was in prison.

I threw Teresa out, and my kids moved out as they grew up and turned 18, and wow – my world expanded. I was able to go to the kitchen long enough to keep it clean, go to the living room and watch TV or play video games; it was like being set free.

I am terribly lonely, but I fear if I met the man of my dreams, it wouldn’t be too long before I couldn’t be in the same room as him. This happened with the last guy I dated. He was a jazz guitarist and I played flute; to say we made music together is no more than the truth. But before long, I couldn’t bear to be near him. Which is too bad. It was nice to have someone to go places with.

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Tipa

Web developer for a Connecticut-based insurance company that's over 200 years old! Also a bicycler, a blogger, a kayaker, and a hunter of bridges.

3 thoughts on “Asperger's”

  1. Aw, you know I know you're a friend. The friends I make online are the ones that keep me logging in. Games without other people in them just put me in a zone. It's almost pointless to play them because I hardly remember doing it. Same with music.

    I know what I am, though. After years and years entirely unable to figure out people, I finally, finally learned there were others like me. Maybe they didn't recite the "To be or not to be…" soliloquy compulsively for a couple years (which I have shortened to the more compact "death2u" muttered at intervals for no reason), maybe they don't have to count their steps to and from the car, but hey, I know they exist and that is enough.

    EQ was so amazing; a way to connect with people without having them break the bubble. I think, now that the kids are grown and gone, that without MMOs and my friends there, I would disappear.

    Problem with MMOs is that they change. I always want them to be the same. I get upset when things change in them, and I really have to watch that.

  2. Log on tonight. We are going to beat something up be it a dragon or MC again. They reset the instance so we are getting a double dip on mobs that we can kill easy :)

  3. Blah I took the test and those questions just repeat themselves but in a different wording….. Stupid test. you are fine, some people just dont like to be crowded or feel like they are confined. Committment is one of those confining things. Your former room-mate can also be a confining thing. Where you said that you dont like being in rooms that are influenced by others. If they leave a strong presence in a certain room you feel like you are invading the area, especially when they are not around and when they are around you put that space off limits in your mind because its there little private area and no longer part of you home because they made it the way that best suits them.

    It will continue to be difficult for you to be close to people until you can resolve some issues. I can now see how this affects you in game. Where you feel you are not needed or wanted because they do not respond to you. Believe me when I say that PF at least needs you. I hear it from Kay enough when he continues to ask me if you are going to log on and stuff. Either way hugs :) I will be your close but distant friend if that is what you need :)

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