Dear Velda

A dwarf with a Ukraine accent (go figure) started a love advice column on Kirin Tor. Well, it’s not as good as “Dear Creature…” could have been, but what the heck :P so I asked her for advice, and she replied!

The whole thread is here at Free Service: Love & Fashion Advice

Dear Velda: Is dere anyone for me? I dunno. I been looking.

My name be Kanda Der’a’Zun. Dat an’ old family name from an’ old family, but dey weren’t lookin’ so I took it. I tink dey all dead now, so I carry on dat family name wit pride. Pretty sure dey dead. One was still movin’ a little but I was gettin’ tired an’ didn’t make sure.

I be a tailor, takin’ da clothes of dead people an’ makin’ new clother from dem. Sometimes bags. Dat real problem for me. If I say ta someone, hey, dat nice shirt, dey say, whatcha tinking, Kanda? An’ I say, I could cut some runecloth from it, it so nice. An’ dey say, why are ya castin’ dat spell? An’ I say, ya seen what dat cloth go for at auction?

My hobbies at dis time include lookin’ for a husband, so good thing I see dis!

I be a simple girl wit simple needs. All I want from my partner is that he be rich. Da richer da better. Way I see it, dere be two kinds o’ problem in dis world. Dose dat money can solve, an’ dose dat money cannot solve. Poor people get hit by both dose, an’ rich people by only one of dem.

What my charm point is? Drop dead seksi. But dat not as easy as ya tink. Sure, you tink it easy for troll to be seksi…. and dat be so, dat be so. But drop dead seksi is someting else. I have ta get up early each mornin’, arrange mah hair and whack any little creature makin’ nest dere while I sleep. Den I have ta bathe, an’ after moisturize wit Troll Sweat. Drop dead seksi trolls too good to use dere own sweat, so we get other troll to make it for us. But it not come cheap, let me tell you.

Ah, my weak point be da gold. A man show me da money, an’ I just melt to da floor, madly in love.

Romantic evening.. well dat good question. I have it all planned. When I find my lovah, first I hit him hard over da head when he not lookin’. I know a cave somewhere (it’s sekrit so don’t ask), where just da two of us can get ta know each other. Dere be a small fire lit, so his face be warmed by da flickering fires as he come to.

Den he beguile me wit words of love. If dose words not be coming, I lower his face a little closer to da flickering fire.

If he be a good guy, den maybe I bring out da dwarf I been savin’ an’ we have a special meal. Not Velda-dwarf, so no worry. It be a dwarf I get from da Barrens, so it okay ta eat dem, I assume. Well, da Timbermaw furbolg not care if ya kill all other type as long as not dem, so it same ting, right?

Dis old picture when I was younger, but still just as drop dead seksi today:

I have question for Velda. Velda, how best ta find out if a troll rich before ya marry him?

Velda replies: OOh Kanda you are very strong voman! That is good, espically for troll girl. Hmm I think you like many voman is self independant and don’t vant leech husband to spend all your monies at the pub so you think nice to find man vit heavy pockets of gold. For this I suggest you vait around the aucion house. Here you vill find many man vit money. However be careful, some man is auction house addict and vill spend all money too fast. Better to look and see who is selling vat. You ee many vit many items sold then you can think “oh he rich man!”.

Then you must track him down.. BUT DONT HIT YET!! Use priest power of control mind to see if he honest and really is rich. Also you say you have little creature live in your hair. Creature has good sense see how they react to any vould be suitors. If yes then you can bring him to your cave of love! Grrowll!

Remember if you put man face too close to fire it melt!! But you priest so maybe you don’t mind that…

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